I stopped writing because I wanted to be repetitive, but I remembered why I have this blog and I realized that when I write I am in pain again and again to overcome , to extract a different sense of my own words.
Lately I learned a lot about me. Realizing the shortcomings and bad decisions on their own is both depressing and enlightening. Unfortunately for me, the theory seems valid only after the experience. It is pointless for someone to explain it, I wrong to understand exactly why it was wrong.
The solitude weighs on me. It is difficult and humiliating to admit that I've waited my whole life appears someone fix me, make me complete. This knowledge is why I decided to be alone for a time. And the harder I find it, the more I realize how necessary it is. I am dependent
worst thing is that not even the people themselves, but what they represent. A haven, a port, the idea of \u200b\u200bsecurity. I looked for someone to cling desperately to avoid falling.
Now that time has passed is more clear to me and start to appreciate the two men in my life for what they were. Sometimes I miss them both with the same intensity, but differently. The full version naive and idealized love, a boy who gave everything and I try to mature to get out of my trap with a wounded man who was extremely hard to show emotions. I loved them despite them both myself and wish I could repair the damage they cause, but there is no turning back and the road ahead will be painful. At last I can acknowledge how much they taught me and have lost them, that otherwise would live in my own lie.
I can not love anyone until you stop looking for someone to love. That is the terrible paradox. I want to be a lovable person, a person with the ability to offer it. I want to be the woman he could fall in love if it were a man. I deserve what I have or once had.
How to love someone who is in love with love, someone who loves you, but you sees it as a means to heal, to feel whole?
The reason I was so torn apart after that I was the middle of something and I started to fill my void with someone else. I heal on my own, I must be a complete person before you even consider maintaining a healthy bond with someone worthwhile. Otherwise, and is a great subject, provoke destruction and misery.
I also decided not to have sex or aventurillas to be fine. I used sex as a placebo feelings the most primitive feel a connection with someone. Do not want to be the sad bitches, looking for Prince Charming from bed to bed. For now I have someone to care for and know well. I have a very important relationship with me, shit if it sounds corny, but I feel much better.
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